Viktor Persson

Sharing My Journey To Life

Day 168: Old Boy – The Revenge

Posted on | september 16, 2014 | 1 Comment

oldboy_by_BNGOld Boy – The Revenge is a Korean movie that was made in the beginning of the 21th century with the fascinating topic of Revenge – and this Revenge is filled with violence, deception, hidden agendas and a general psychopathic mentality.

The story is as follows: a man is suddenly ripped away from his usual life consisting out of job and family, and is seemingly without reason placed in a prisonlike room, where he’s held for 15 years and then suddenly released. As he get’s out, his one and only purpose is to take revenge, to find the one person responsible for what happened to him, and make him pay. Though, what he’s not aware of is that there is another person in play, which is also out for revenge – and thus the movie spirals into a story of two persons trying to get to each other in order to have their sweet revenge.

In this blog I will expound on the topic of revenge – and also bring it back to how it’s portrayed in this movie, and what I’ve realized and understood in terms of blame and revenge, and what we’re able to learn and take with us from this movie.

What is fascinating about revenge is that we believe that we’re actually in the process ‘getting back’ at another – when we’re going into this entire state of mind, trying to find someway in which we’re able to harm this other person. Yet, what we’re not realizing is that we’re in-fact limiting ourselves, and instead of letting go of the experience, we hold on, and we make everything about this experience, and in the process – we miss life – our own one life that is not nurtured or cared for because we’re busy with something else – taking revenge.

To take an example from the movie, as the main character is released from his prison, he receives new clothes, as well as a ton of money, and in essence: he would be able to start building his life, buy an apartment, a car, and start creating his world again – but what does he do? He’s only out to get one thing – REVENGE – and so he throws away his opportunities to go and get back at this other person that he hold’s responsible for what happened = sacrificing his life to follow an energy = sacrificing his life to honor his mind.

I mean, this is what the movie is showing, how when we become obsessed with what others are doing towards us, we miss our life, we miss what we have before us, and the opportunities that exists in our lives to expand and become more.

We can bring it back to this one statement that many of us carry around in our minds: “I won’t change until they change” – or – “I won’t forgive until they forgive” – we thus wait for the other person to satisfy our energies not realizing that we’re in a matter of fact throwing our own lives away.

What do I mean when I say that we’re throwing our lives away?

Look at the point of living for and in energy, when that is your entire life and there is nothing else, can you really say that you’re living? That you’re creating yourself? That you’re making something with your life and yourself? No, because all your doing is following an energy, following an experience, and in the case of this movie – the actor followed the energy of Revenge – it became his addiction, his purpose, his main drive in life – not realizing that = there is more to life.

The nature of revenge is that EVERYTHING becomes about the other person – and all our focus goes to them, what they do, don’t do, should do, shouldn’t have done – and what conveniently happens in this process is that we don’t ask ourselves to burning question: How did I create this?

How often do we ask ourselves that question? How did I create this? How I am I responsible for this? What was it that I did that contributed to this particular situation and moment playing out as it did?

We ask it seldom, yet that is something we definitely should change about ourselves. In my own process I’ve seen, and realized the importance of questioning myself – and bringing myself down from that pedestal inside my mind – and humbling myself – and what I’ve found is that all times I’ve myself been a major contributing (if not THE) factor to the negative situations and events that have occurred in my life – I’ve never been innocent – and thus: I’ve realized that Revenge is actually a point that hinders and stops me from growing and expanding as a being – and from becoming more.

The same goes for blame, it’s also one of these constructs that stops us from moving ahead, from learning, from taking the bad, the shitty, and the horrible from our lives and use it to gain insights, and understandings in how the human mind works, in how we create relationships, in how our mental state and experience affects others and our personal lives; thus – for anyone that wants to learn and expand in their relationship with themselves as well as others – letting go of blame and revenge is a key.

Even though this movie takes the point of revenge and blame to an extreme, we’re still able to learn from it, and ask ourselves, where do I do the same in my life? Where do I want to take revenge instead of forgiving, letting go, and seeing how I contributed to this creation? What is it that I fear loosing when in letting go of blame and revenge?

For my own sake, I realize that the reward of letting go of revenge and blame will be that I can start changing myself – because I won’t anymore wait for others to change, or understand how much they apparently hurt me before I change – no – instead I make the decision to be the one that moves on – the one that forgives – that one that starts to build anew something supportive and nurturing; for no other reason but that this is what I want to do with my life – and that this is what I want to create.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want blame another, and take a revenge upon another when and as I feel that I’ve been hurt, or disregarded, or not understood, or seen, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others, and want them to change, want them to realign their lives, and their way of interacting before I do so – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for others to change before I am changing – and wait for others to forgive before I am forgiving

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for another to forgive – before I decide to forgive and move on – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold unto blame, revenge, and hurt, in a feeling that I am entitled to do this, because I was wronged, and I was not considered properly and as I should’ve been – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that blame, and wanting revenge, only make the situation even worse, only makes my experience of myself even worse, and only perpetuates this eternal conflict between two parties – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not rather move and motivate myself to find a solution that works for both and that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to honor blame and revenge instead of accepting and allowing myself to honor life, forgiveness, and enjoyment, and creating myself to support myself and those around me, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dedicate my life towards following energies, and following experiences, instead of taking my hands on the wheel, and motivating myself to make something more out of my life, and my existence, wherein I am not consumed with energies, and I am not consumed with experiences, but I am instead clear, I am here, and I know what I am doing, and why

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto revenge and blame, because I want it to be fair, and feel as if it’s not fair when and as another is done something bad unto me, and I’ve not done anything bad back unto them, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive, and desire for an equal badness, wherein I can do something harmful back to them to feel that it’s fair – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how it’s obviously better when I make the decision to let go immediately – to forgive – and to move on – and to not accept and allow myself to remain possessed within and as experiences, within and as blame, within and as wanting to take revenge

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to forgive because I believe that it’s a weakness to forgive another, and that when I forgive, I am giving up, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that forgiving is a matter of losing and winning, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that forgiving is a matter of letting go, and it’s a matter of giving myself the opportunity to create myself a new, to build myself a new, and make a new life for myself that is not circulating about wanting to harm another or take my experiences out unto another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to take my experiences out on another, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that doing this will make me feel better, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that taking my emotional reactions out on another doesn’t make me feel better, it merely makes me become even more consumed and lost within and as emotions, and feelings, to a point wherein I am not able to see that there is a physical and real reality here – that doesn’t consist out of emotions or feelings – but that is a physical – and real – and actual reality that I can participate and live in without being constantly obsessed and possessed within and as my mind

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am reacting in wanting to take revenge and blame, and I don’t want to let go, because I want another to forgive before I do, and I want it to be fair, and feel like I’ve been allowed to harm another as much as they’ve harmed me, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that I am in-fact limiting myself through existing in this mind-set – because I am not allowing myself to move on and create solutions – but insist upon existing in a state of problem; and thus I commit myself to move on and to dare to forgive – and let go – and create solutions for myself as well as others

I commit myself to dare to be the first one that forgive and the first one that changes – and I commit myself to not anymore wait for another to change before I change – and thus I commit myself to make my life and living count and not expect anyone to change before I do

Day 167: Addicted to Goals

Posted on | september 13, 2014 | No Comments

Lately I’ve faced some very intense reactions and these have primarily been based on perceptions, ideas and hopes for my future, and in that, an attempt to control what is to come in fear of what might come if I don’t. It’s been interesting to observe my mind and how it works when I am faced with these type of situations.

Let me give you an example, the context of the situation I faced was that certain variables in relation to a plan that I’d made up for my future changed, and accordingly the outcome of the plan change – now I had not clear ‘goal’ anymore. In relation to this there was two points that came up with the most force within me, and the first was that: I’ve wasted my time walking towards this goal! And the second was: What goal should I take upon myself now?!

So, here I am going to expand on this second goal, because I’ve found it fascinating how I really felt in need of a goal, of a plan, of a future outcome, of some type of projection into the future, for me to be motivated, and feel as if there is a meaning and purpose to me moving and directing myself in this moment here. Obviously, the common sense is that a plan is simply a plan, it shouldn’t be more than a plan, and it shouldn’t control me, rather, I should be able to control the plan, make adjustments, and fine tune whenever possible.

I’ve defined this particular character as the goal-addiction-character – and I’ve also realized that this is probably one of the most prevalent mind-patterns that exist in me, as well as in the rest of society – it’s this experience of a drive to get THERE instead of walking HERE to get there.

So, what is this drive then, what is it that makes me feel so secure, comfortable, and at ease when and as I have a plan that I am able to hold unto, and use to direct myself with in my life? Well, for me it’s a sense of security, and an experience of control – it grounds me because when I have a plan I feel that I know where I am going, whereas when I don’t have a plan I feel lost and don’t know what to do or how to do it. Though, even though I don’t have a plan, it’s quite obvious that I don’t have to feel lost, and without foundation, because the point is that I should be that foundation for myself, I should be and stand as that trust within and as myself, and it shouldn’t be something that I must find either in a plan, or in something such as a profession, hobby, or particular direction in life – I should simply stand as that point unconditionally – that stability: that regardless of what happens in my life I know one thing: I remain here – I stand here – I continue walking – and I continue pushing myself.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use plans in order to stabilize myself and create a perception of safety and security within me, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to without plans, goals, and desires, and things I want to reach, and establish, that I am helpless, directionless, and without purpose – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not found my self-trust on me standing with myself in self-honesty in every moment of breath and thus not accepting and allowing myself to have my life be dependent upon me having a plan in order for me to be stable and move myself throughout my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate within and as a goal-addiction-character that plays out in such a way that I will continuously fantasize and imagine about things that might occur in the future, and things that I might be able to do in the future, and what I might create, the jobs I will have and the career, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about the future, and within this not notice that when I do that there is a energy of adrenaline coming up in me, a excitement, and that it’s this point of energy that I am addicted to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change this addiction, through accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to life, and become addicted to living here with my physical body, to living fully in every moment of breath and not anymore accepting and allowing my presence to wander in my mind in regards to the future, but rather make a practical plan, and then stick with that plan, and not anymore accept and allow myself to formulate future decisions on the basis of adrenaline, on the basis of energy, on the basis of ‘my experience’ – ‘my feeling’ – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base the trust in my decisions on the point of how much positive energy I feel in relation to them, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the more energy I experience in relation to a decision, that the better the decision is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that the more energy, the more feelings I experience in relation to a particular imagined future, that the better that particular direction is, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question this premise, and see that my future visions are mostly based on images, based on ideas and assumptions of what is to come, and based on how I’ve related experiences to particular symbols, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I am able to take those symbols back to myself here, and create myself as those symbols, as living words, and practicing living these expressions that I see I’d like to manifest for myself, here with myself in my breath, with and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that all my future projections reveal parts of myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to practice living, walking and standing as HERE within and as my day to day living – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not utilize these fantasies to investigate myself and see what it is that I am not yet giving to myself, and that I am hoping I would be able to get in my future; thus – I commit myself to investigate and define for myself the words purpose, passion, authority, stability, and excitement – because I see realize and understand that the nature of my dreams and fantasies are such that they show me what words it is that I am not yet standing as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require fantasies in relation to my future to have a interesting life, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my day to day living as being predictable, as being filled and obstructed with patterns, and routines, and think that I am not able to live and participate in this world and reality, because I require some form of entertainment to make it worthwhile – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that I require an energy, a movie reel playing out in my mind for me to be able to be satisfied, and at ease with myself, not realizing that satisfaction and ease of being, is in-fact a develop and created expression, and something that I must design, create, walk and live for myself, and not something that I am able to wait for another to do for me, or that I can hope fantasy will lead into

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that fantasies are more real than this physical life, and that it’s better to have a positive future in mind rather than living here, because apparently it’s to difficult, to hard, and to much of an effort to go through my life here in this physical world, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as this state of constant resistance, and fighting, and trying to defeat, and deflate this world, in believing that it’s out to get me, and utilize fantasies and imaginations as a method of escapism, a method of coping, trying to get through my life, and my daily physical responsibilities – instead of accepting and allowing myself to embrace what is here, to learn to direct and walk with what is here without reacting, without creating resistance, without judging, and as such developing myself to be an effective being able to move in the moment and direct what is here

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into the goals-addiction-character, I stop myself and I bring myself back here – and I commit myself to change this point through bringing myself back here and becoming aware of my environment and what my life is HERE in this moment – to focus myself back on my daily responsibilities, on what is here with me in this moment, and the sensations of my physical body – and within this I see, realize and understand that my life is HERE and that I create myself HERE and that my future is the potential of what I am able to live and create myself as HERE in this moment

When and I see that I go into fear, and anxiety, and feeling directionless because I don’t have a plan or a goal, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I commit myself to align myself HERE – and to realize the direction is HERE, that stability is HERE, that self-trust is HERE, and that I am able to walk and face my life without knowing precisely what is going to happen and how it’s going to happen – and as such face and walk through my life from within and as a starting point of self-trust – and thus I commit myself to develop self-trust – in placing my trust in myself and not in future projections, goals or plans – and bringing myself back to the simplicity of walking in every moment here and directing and creating my life in every moment here

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