Viktor Persson

Sharing My Journey To Life

Day 158: Social ineptness

Posted on | juli 24, 2014 | No Comments

So, today some fascinating points have come in relation to the point that I’ve opened up and committed myself to walk through to COMPLETION – the general point is that of social angst – yet this point contain many various dimensions, and a new dimension that I noticed today is in relation to a belief that I hold of myself – the belief that I am socially inept – that I am somehow worse than others at being social and that my natural expression is not sufficiently socially acceptable – and that I as such require to mold and emulate my expression to be more acceptable.

Some context: I was hanging out with some persons that are new in my world, and it was a fresh environment for me, so I didn’t really know how to place myself in it, and who I should be. As I observed myself interact in this new environment, and these new persons, I saw that what I held within me was this general experience of ‘I am less’ – and the consequential outflow of me holding unto this point of ‘I am less’ was that I didn’t express myself within the self-confidence, comfortableness, and ease that I know I am capable of – instead my expression was more held back, passive, and hesitating – not as I would express myself with for example, my family, or my partner, where I am much more at ease with myself.

Thus, why is it that I have this ‘I am less’ experience?

From what I am able to see, it’s actually a form of protection mechanism, because when I hold myself in this ‘I am less’-character – I don’t show myself, I don’t open up, and I am not really HERE – the logic here is that I am then ‘protected’ – though the part that doesn’t make sense is why I’d like to feel protected and in that sacrifice my natural expansive expression?

Really, the question must be asked, I am in-fact protecting myself from a realistic fear, or is it but an assumption that I’ve made, that if I accept and allow myself to step out of my protections, I will be ‘hurt’ and ‘attacked’? And is there really such a thing as being mentally hurt and attacked?

I’d say – NO – there isn’t – and accordingly this shyness character, this ‘I am less’-character is not something that is supportive for me – and thus I must further practice living myself out of this habitual suppression tactic and realize that it’s really nothing dangerous out there, and that there are lot’s of things to do, many people to get to know, and projects to walk, if I accept and allow myself to step out of my character of diminishment, and be myself.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am interacting with people, and placing myself in a new environment, and with people that I don’t yet have a long-term relationship, to take in the position of ‘I am less’ within myself, and go into a state and condition of being shy, passive, and held back, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto this state of being, through believing that when I am in this state of passivity I am protecting myself from harm, and accordingly I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself, and believe that there is some gigantic harm awaiting for me out there, if I’d accept and allow myself to step it up, and walk out of my shell, and practice self-confidence, self-trust, and self-authority, and be at ease and comfortable with myself regardless of situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that with other people, with so-called strangers, I am required to put on a mask, and be more passive, and held-back, in the belief that apparently, with strangers, if I would express myself, I would become attacked, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this belief that ‘I will be attacked’ isn’t in anyway substantiated within me with facts, it’s but an experience, but a fear coming up within me, that I pay attention to and live according to, without having cross-referenced with physical reality whether or whether not this fear is actually real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, and accept myself as held back, shy and insecure, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that I require and must be stuck in this experience, and movement of myself as insecure, and shy, and believe that this is something I must just accept, and that there is nothing I am able to do about it, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself in moments when I notice I go into this shyness, and passive character, to say – NO – and practice, physically, practically living self-confidence, and living self-trust – through straightening my back, and looking people in the eye, and communicating with a clear and stable voice

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am with others, to participate within and as, and go into a fear that ‘they are talking behind my back’ and that ‘everything I do or say will be used against me’ – and ‘I don’t know what they are thinking about me’ – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a fear of how others are going to perceive and experience my expression, and fear that I am going to say or do something that will be termed socially inept, and accordingly I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry more about what others think about me, rather than me living and participating and moving myself as my human physical body, practically, physically, here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that others are to invite me into their life’s, and give me a sense and experience of ease and comfortableness, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for others to make me comfortable, instead of me pushing, and willing myself to be comfortable, to be at ease, and to trust myself and be confident, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that only I am able to give this point to myself, and as such I must practice this point, and one point relation to self-confidence that I see I must practice to walk out of this shyness character, is stopping blaming, judging and attacking myself when I am do a mistake – or when a social interaction doesn’t turn out ‘cool’ – because when I judge myself I make myself more self-conscious and less effective at simply being myself, and trusting myself here – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push and will myself to trust myself – and to love myself and live these words as myself through stopping judging and being hard on myself when I notice I make a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will immediately be able to step out of my shyness and ‘I am less’-character and that it will go without mistakes, and without effort – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it will be a effort to bring myself out of this particular character, and how it will be a process that will take time, application, and presumably, many mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept and allow myself to make mistakes, to test things out, and to apply corrections, and not be afraid or worried that they won’t work, and realize that if I fail, or make a mistake, I can simply re-consider and re-align the point, and bring the point into a correction with is effective and works for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the general crowd of people in my life thinks that I am strange and dislikes, and likes other people more than what they like me, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as this fear and anxiety, the moment I say something, or share myself with another, that my words, and my expression, is going to cause within another a judgment, and a thought that: “I don’t like you” – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sacrifice and suppress my natural and easy-going expression as myself – in fear of what others think about me – in fear of how others feel about me – not seeing, realizing and understand that it’s obviously not cool for me to bind myself up in fear and justify this through thinking that I must have each and everyone like me

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into the shyness, and passiveness, and ‘I am less’-character, which I can see through me becoming held back, slouching my shoulders, and becoming hesitant in relation to whether I should speak or not, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I commit myself to live self-confident – and live this through straightening my back, breathing effectively and relaxing my physical body, accepting and allowing myself to caress myself within and as myself, and hold myself, and then move myself in the moment within and as self-trust – and confidence – as me being stable and living the fact that I am an equal with others – neither less – neither more

I commit myself to stop fearing that others are speaking behind my back, and that others are creating negative experiences in relation to me, and that they are creating resistances towards me – and accordingly I commit myself to trust myself, to stand by myself, and dare to live self-honesty, and have the courage of me being stable and expressive, and the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow, regardless of what another might or might not think about me – and I commit myself to live this correction through stating NO – I will not accept and allow these thoughts and emotions to overwhelm me – when and as I notice that this ‘what are others thinking of me ‘fear’ comes up within

Day 157: Its something wrong with me isn’t it?

Posted on | juli 20, 2014 | No Comments

Some days ago I listened an Eqafe interview about a man that died unexpectedly, yet very calmly and without any pain or discomfort. The point that hit home with me as I was listening to this Death Process Research was how this person throughout his life was in comparison to others, grounded into his physical body, and because of that experienced a relatively stable life – and he explained how this resulted in many human beings living more in their mind resisted him and approached him within a sense of inner conflict.

What this brought up within me was the point that when I see that someone in my world resists me, or have an emotional experience within themselves as they communicate or speak with me, that it’s not about ME necessarily, and that it’s not that I must change something about myself to soothe the situation, but that this particular moment can have many dimensions to it that I am not yet aware of – thus: My current approach, is that first look into myself to see if there is something that I am doing wrong, and I ask myself, why doesn’t this person like me? Why does this person become emotional around me? Is there something I am doing wrong? Is there something I should change about me? Why can’t everyone be as comfortable around me as they seem to be around person A?

Though, approaching a human-being that experience resistance, or a conflict within themselves, within these questions that I listed above, that is NOT effective, and it’s in-fact a form of insecurity and lack of self-confidence, because naturally, living self-confidence would imply that I would be stable, and the same regardless of what experience another human being approach me within and as.

Thus, I see that I require to practice this point further, to not attempt and try, and make it a goal within myself to assure that people like me, and to instead place my attention and focus on WHO I AM and what I accept and allow within and as me, and as such make certain within me that I am clear in every moment, and that I know WHO I AM, and that I know that the words I speak are what is best for all – because when that points stands – there is really nothing I am able to do to get another to like me, and there is really no point in getting another to like me if that implies me suppressing and compromising myself to fit in and present myself in a way that I hope will trigger within and as a another certain positive feelings of like and appreciation – it’s better that I instead use my time and my moments to approach people that I am more aligned with and that do not experience it as a drag to spend time with me. I mean, it’s fascinating to see how I’ve throughout my life, like a moth towards the light, been drawn to people that haven’t really aligned with me and my expression – and that I’ve due to that fought my way into friendship groups, and circles of trust – just to be accepted; While really – there has been people in my world that I’ve naturally aligned with, that have accepted me as who I am, and where I’ve been welcome – yet – those persons I’ve most of the time shut out as not being worthwhile and valuable enough to pursue a relationship with = which is ineffective.

The solution is obviously to align myself with people that I enjoy to communicate and express myself with, and where they enjoy doing the same with me, and not fight to get acceptance from someone that doesn’t seem to want in their life or world – that’s simply a waste of time.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see that someone is reacting emotionally or going into a resistance around me, to take it personally and believe that it’s something wrong with me, and that I require to change some part of me, and that I must push myself further to make sure that I am being accepted and recognized by this other person, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how obviously, it’s not something wrong with me, and that what makes another reacts, or go into resistance, is not something that I am able to control, and that I am not responsible for when I am certain that I am here, that I am clear, and that I am directive within and as myself as to what I will accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that how I’ve spent much of my life, and my time here on earth attempting and trying to be accepted, and recognized by people that don’t want to recognize or accept me, and that I’ve thus attempted and try to fight myself into groups and circles of friendship, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself as who I am, and accept and allow myself to align myself with people in my world that I have and share a connection with and that I don’t have to fight or struggle to be accepted by – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my starting point as to why I interact with another, to be that of “I want to be accepted” – instead of accepting and allowing myself to instead make my starting point – that I am here – and that I express myself – and that I share myself – and that I stand responsible within and as myself as to what goes on within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become insecure about myself when I notice that another is reacting, or going into a resistance around me, and immediately believe that this is my fault, and that it’s because I can’t express myself properly and because I don’t fit in as I should, and I don’t express the way that I should, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s not about me, but that what goes in within another is their process, their mind, and their responsibility, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead give attention to me here within and as breath, as to what I will accept and allow, and place my focus on my expression, on my body, and on my breath, and on who I am here within and as every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become insecure about myself when and as I perceive that another doesn’t respond to me within like, and appreciation, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself, through becoming dependent upon others seeing, and experiencing themselves positive around me, for me to be stable in my expression, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not liking me, or for not being positive around me, and within this attempt and try to get them to like me, and to get them to be positive around me, in thinking that this is what I need and require for me to be stable, instead of accepting and allowing myself to stop all blame and to take full responsibility for who I am within and for what I will accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow – and thus push myself to remain stable and consistent within and as my expression and movement of myself and as such make sure that I am not dependent upon someone else in my world for me to be natural, stable and consistent within who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that I must be accepted by everyone, recognized by everyone, and liked by everyone for me to be effective in my direction and movement in life, and for me to have effective and stable relationships – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is in-fact a self-limitation, and a state of self-sabotage, wherein I believe that I require someone else to change, before I change, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not view all persons and points in my world as self-support, and that when a emotion or feeling come up within me, that I utilize this moment as a moment of self-reflection, and seeing what programs still exists within me that I require to change and align into and as physical equality and oneness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept the fact that I can’t have everyone like me, and within this also realize, that the point is not that everyone should like me, or that everyone should be positive, and have an experience of friendship towards me, but that the point is instead that I make sure that I am stable, that I am here, that I am aligned into and as my human physical body and that I take responsibility for the points coming up within me, and that I align them into and as self-correction – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my life is a training ground, wherein I am facing all aspects of my mind, and that for each and every reaction coming up within me, there is an opportunity for me to get to know myself better, and to correct myself and push myself further to stand as physical stability and groundedness within and as every moment of breath

Self-commitments

I commit myself to practice self-confidence when and as I am moving myself throughout my life, through when and as I face situations wherein I perceive that another is resistant, or reacts towards me in a negative experience, that I don’t accept and allow this to influence my expression, but that I instead remain stable, silent, and grounded – and that I remain within and as breath and that I don’t go into insecurity and fear in wondering whether there is something wrong with me – and thus I commit myself to trust myself

I commit myself to stop attempting and trying, and searching to achieve acceptance from people in my world that I perceive to not like me, or not appreciate me, and I instead commit myself to place my focus and attention upon me, on who I am, and how I experience myself, and what I will accept and allow, and what I will not accept and allow – thus I commit myself to practice having my presence HERE with ME and my human physical body at all times – and not get sidestepped and begin looking at things from the perspective of how I believe others see or experience me

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