Viktor Persson

Sharing My Journey To Life

Day 180: Becoming Something Or Being Something

Posted on | oktober 31, 2014 | No Comments

One experience that tends to come up within me as I raise up in the mornings, is a sense of inadequacy, defeat and lack of success – this experience then triggers me to go into my mind and find some form of reason that would be suitable to justify and fit into this initial experience – and my thoughts will then go into looking at my life, looking at what I am doing with my time; am I achieving enough? Am I completing enough things? Does my life move, as I’d like it to movie? Am I really doing as much as I want to do with my life?

The interesting thing about this, is the fact that I am already utilizing my time very effectively, I am literally busy almost from the moment that I wake up until the moment that I go to bed, and some days I give myself time for entertainment and relaxation, but it’s not something that I do excessively, or over the brim – practically speaking – I am satisfied with how I am moving myself throughout my day – there is a constancy, a drive, and a motion forward – and that is what I want; but STILL – this experience emerge within me.

This then begs the question, what the heck is it that is going on within me, where does this experience really come from?

One aspect that stands out in the experience is fear, there is a underlying and glooming fear that permeates these thoughts, and images that comes up in my mind, showing me how I am not “doing enough with my life” – thus: What is occurring and coming up within is really a fear of not being able to leave a mark – a fear of living this world in a state of being unknown, unrecognized, and undistinguished – a.k.a. a nobody.

One of the consequences I create for myself through going into this experience is that I will stress myself throughout my day, I will constantly, and continuously move myself to new points, save more time, become more productive, become more effective, more enhanced, precise, and specific, up the output even more – it can likened with how our industrial revolution have changed the manner in which manual labor is performed.

Because, before the machine, before the global crisis, there was a sense of enjoyment in labor, and the pace of labor was not that of upping the output, but rather moving the point, getting it done, and producing a satisfying result – here thus there was no greed as is the case today – where we constantly want more, get more, push more, develop more, get more out of it – back in the day such concepts had much less force than is the case today: A farmer would wake up – walk through his routine – handle the points that was required to be handled – care for his farm and his beasts – and then go to bed – the farmer was then neither famous or distinguished but that was irrelevant in a time and age where media and fame was unknown.

Thus, what I see, is that this tendency, and character that comes up within me – let’s call it the I-want-more-character – is really a outflow consequence of our modern day of looking at and perceiving life – wherein we tend to see life as this momentum of time that is here for us to make an imprint and satisfy our urges – and unless we’re able to get our individuality through and make some form of mark – our lives have been lived in vain: And obviously – this is a completely ridiculous and futile way of life – because where is it getting us? Nowhere! And what we miss is the present breath – miss standing here and smelling the roses – looking at what is here and that is offered with each breath – and each moment.

Thus, what I see that there is a clear correction for this point – and that is to practice valuing and appreciating what I have here in my life at this moment – valuing and appreciating the simple things in life – such as breathing – such as sharing a moment with another – such as drinking a coffee – and in this realize that while I am here in this life – I require to give myself direction and movement – and do something with myself; that direction might or might not cause me to become observable and seen by others – yet it can’t be a purpose in itself – it can’t be something that defines and marks me – because I must stand as that point for myself – and wake up each morning – stable – regardless of my position, my prominence or notoriety in this world.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my satisfaction with myself upon whether I am succeeding in the eyes of the world or not, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define success, to define notoriety, to define eminence and greatness in this world, as something to strive for, and as something that will enhance my life with substance, purpose, and meaning – and that only when I achieve these things will I be able to let my guard down – and come down to earth – and relax myself; and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with wanting to create a life for myself – from within and as the belief that it’s my life that defines who I am – that defines what I am – and that gives me value, substance and purpose – instead of seeing, realizing and understand that it’s ME that decides to give me purpose, value and meaning – and that it’s not something that I can wait for or expect to be given to me from the outside

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up in the morning and experience myself as being empty, barren and idle – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my living, life and movement is pointless, and lacks substance, and lacks life, and that it will remain as such until I am able to achieve a position of fame, and fortune, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have to burnt into my mind, that I must make something of myself, that I must leave a mark, that I must be significant, that I must become famous, and recognized, before I am able to let go, enjoy myself, and participate in this world in stability, in breath, and in hereness with and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that there is something wrong with leading a normal life, a life that is without extravagance, a life that is without purpose, or fame, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I wake up in the morning, to look at my life from a starting point of the pictures that occupies and makes up the visual aspect of my world, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss myself – to not see WHO I AM in my life and WHAT I LIVE – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is what is important – what is important is who I am – is what I will accept and allow in each and every moment of breath – is what I will myself to stand and live as in this world – and what I will myself to walk – and the principle from within which I apply myself and move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself, and define whether I am successful or not, whether I am moving myself or not, upon the basis of how my external world responds, and think and believe that I am moving myself, that I am being successful, that I am being distinguished, and that I have value, when my external environment rewards me, gives me attention, notices me, and gratify me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for another to make me whole and complete – and believe that this is what lacks in my life – that there must be some tumultuous and great event that occurs – and that makes my life meaningful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am really in a perfect position to walk my process in my current environment, that everything is set, everything is stable, everything is positioned effectively, and thus all I require to do is to walk – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this idea that there is something more required, some form of greatness, and superiority, and magnificent occurrence that must be realized, is completely ludicrous, and doesn’t belong in me – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and push myself to walk moment by moment – to push myself and will myself to value and appreciate myself – and what is here in my world – to realize that everything is already here and that thus – I don’t require anything more or better – or leaving a mark in someway – because such a point isn’t real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and make the decision to value myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in comparisons within me – wherein I will compare myself to certain individuals in my world – that I perceive are leading successful and notable lives – wherein they have earned prominence and are seen as illustrious – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that unless I reach and create a similar point for myself in my life – than my life will be without meaning and purpose – and will lack substance – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is me – myself – that gives my life substance, meaning, and worth – and how it is me that gives myself the opportunity and the freedom to create myself – and build myself – and that I don’t require my external environment to change – for me to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here – and realize that HERE is life – that life is not out there in creating a idea world for myself – of me being noticed and distinguished – but rather life is HERE – life is the breath I breathe – life is the physical that surrounds me – life is the wind that brushes my cheek and the sunbeams that grazes my chins – and thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to recognize and embrace the fullness and completeness of life that is here in every moment for me to participate and partake within – that I am limiting myself from doing – when and as I am participating in my mind in someway or another

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am participating in my mind, and I am leaving this here-moment in order to be in a future, where I perceive that I will gain reputation, eminence, and within that purpose, and substance, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and I see, realize and understand that living, that moving, and that participating in this world is an opportunity for me to stand with life, and that I don’t have to create this glorious and magnificent life for myself, wherein my presence is known, respected and distinguished, but that I can live fulfillment and substance here as a decision that I make in every moment of breath – that I am here – I live – I move and I act – I stand and I participate and I don’t accept and allow myself to be limited by an idea of an future in my mind; thus I commit myself to live HERE and to value and appreciate the life that is here in every moment – to value and appreciate the life that is me here in every moment

I commit myself to value and appreciate the simplicity of life that surrounds me and that is here in every moment of breath – and I commit myself to wake up in the morning and appreciate the fullness of life that exists here and that I am able to partake within when and as I let go of the mind and the illusions of “being somebody” and “making something out of myself” – and thus I commit myself be HERE with and as my human physical body – and equalize myself within and as the exuberance of life as equality and oneness here

Day 179: You Hurt Me

Posted on | oktober 27, 2014 | No Comments

Yesterday I had an overwhelming experience of hurt come up within me. It arose within as I was speaking with another, and was triggered as this other utilized a specific sound that I perceived as irritated as well as complaining – and the content of the words was that of how there was a point in my life that I didn’t direct sufficiently effective and that I accordingly must change.

So, what came up within me was hurt and sadness – and the reasoning and purpose of the experience was that I was now hurt, and it was this other persons fault, and I will use this hurt, and sadness experience to show to this other person just how hurt, and sad I’ve become, and how it’s their fault; thus – a form of manipulation.

It’s interesting that this is a game that I often played with my motherhere I used feeling hurt, and sad as weapons in order to have my mother feel guilty for something I perceived she’d done or said to me. The same pattern is playing out now, I feel hurt, and I justify this feeling as being real and then use it in order to make the other person guilty and to get what I want.

Obviously the big problem here is that I don’t control or direct this pattern at all, it just come up within me, and then the entire circus starts – thus I see that require to open up this feeling hurt and look at specifically what it consists out of – how come it is that I have such an easy time to get and feel hurt? How come I accept and allow things to get to me in such a way that I feel like I’ve been completely devastated and destroyed by another person – these are points that I must direct and not anymore accept and allow within and as myself.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a hurt experience be triggered when and as someone speaks to me in what I perceive to be a criticizing, harsh, complaining, and irritated tone, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I’ve been made to be inferior and less than the other person, and that I’ve now lost a part of myself, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret and define this voice and tonality in my mind as me being under attack – as me being exposed and placed to be shoot at in the middle of a field – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the voice, and the sound in itself is not what is causing this experience of feel hurt, devastated and sad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as this experience of feeling hurt, devastated and sad, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this experience is based on memories of my past, wherein I felt that my mother didn’t take me into account and treat me beneficially – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto such hurt-moments in my mind, and use them as ways to get back into that position within myself wherein I feel that I’ve been very much set aside, and that my life has not been taken into account as I’ve desired – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto hurt, sadness, and feeling unjustly treated in my mind, and continue to bring these memories up in my mind, and in my daily living, through reacting and living out this pattern of feeling hurt, and sad, and attacked – again, and again and again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately as this hurt and sadness experience arise from within me, go into blame and think that another is at fault for how I experience myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the simple fact, that obviously another is not at fault for my experience of myself, and obviously what I experience is a part of myself that I’ve not yet dealt with, and directed effectively, and thus it comes up within me because it requires attention, and direction, and it requires to be moved – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not as this experience of hurt and sadness comes up within me, to stabilize myself in my body, and to realize that thus experience is not about anyone else, and that no one has caused it, or created it within me but me – and that it’s here and have arisen within me in order for me to take responsibility for and direct the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I am limiting and holding myself back in my mind through accepting and allowing myself to make this hurt experience personal, instead of realizing that it’s not personal, that it’s in-fact but energy arising within, in-fact but an experience coming up from within, and it has nothing to do with personally per se – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not as this experience comes up from within me chest region – to stabilize myself within and as my human physical body – and accept and allow myself to unconditionally let of the hurt and the sadness – realizing that it’s nothing personal – it’s nothing bad – it’s but energy arising in my chest and solar plexus area that I require and need to let go and release from within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become hurt, feel devastated and atrociously handled, when and as another utilize a voice that is harsh, sharp, and what I perceive to be, criticizing, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to immediately and without hesitation take such a voice personally, and define myself according to such a voice, and to think that I am reacting because of that voice, instead of seeing, realizing and understand that I am reacting because various experiences arise in my body, that have their origin in memories, and thus it’s nothing personal – it’s nothing about the other individual – it’s nothing that I require to make anything more than what it is – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not simply realize that I am dealing with a memory – and thus I require to be the directive principle in accepting and allowing myself to let go of and release this memory – and not anymore accept and allow myself and my life to be bound by and limited within and through this memory

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a memory from my past of my mother telling me sharply how she was dissatisfied with me, and how she felt that she couldn’t trust me, because I wasn’t behaving very well with others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto that memory, of in the moment when my mother told me this, feel hurt, devastated, and as if my mother didn’t understand me, and didn’t see the situation from my perspective, and didn’t see where I was coming from, but merely approached me, and what I’d done as being wrong, and as something that must immediately be punished and removed – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am in holding unto seeing situations from within and as this memory, limiting myself from standing up, from living and from expressing myself, and directing myself in conflict situations without taking them personally, and without making them anything more or less than what they are being conflict situations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as my mother brought up and showed me the points she weren’t satisfied with, and did this in a angry, criticizing, harsh, and ferocious tone, to immediately take it personally, and feel that I’d done something terribly wrong, and as well on top of that feel, that my mother didn’t consider me as I would like to be considered, because I felt as if she left out some essential points in regards to what had happened, and that because of this I wasn’t considered, or treated in accordance to what was right and fair, but I was instead being brutalized on the basis of conjectures that I didn’t feel were right or correct; and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep, and hold unto this memory within me, and in particular the hurt, and sadness experience from within this memory – and think that this hurt and sadness experience that came up was real – and that it was correct of me to attempt and try to defend and protect myself through going into a state of victimization – and then trying to get at my mother that way – through making my mother feel inferior, sad and less than

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I can give myself the gift of releasing this hurt, and sadness, and feeling of being devastated, and that I don’t anymore require to blame another, to hold unto feeling, and experience myself inferior, and if something utterly distasteful and repellent have done unto me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept and allow myself to let go of blame, and to realize that this hurt is me, and that this hurt in itself is nothing bad, nothing wrong, nothing to be fought, nothing to be strangled and suppressed – in-fact this hurt is here in my life in order to be understood and directed and moved – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I’ve experienced myself as hurt in the past – in my childhood – because that was the only way I could deal with my life at that point – though now I have the tools to direct myself and stabilize myself – and instead of reacting – creating stable solutions for myself and my life – and developing common sense so that I can stand by and move through my life without being moved or reacting in emotional or feeling-based experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it was nothing personal as my mother became angry and frustrated at me, and spoke to me in a tone of voice that I perceived to be harsh, and degrading, and making me to be inferior, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this voice personally, and see it as a personal attack towards me, and as something that I’d to defend myself against, else it would swallow me, and devour me whole, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it was merely a voice tonality, merely a energy, and obviously something that my mother went into and experienced that had nothing to do with me per se, but was her own mind that played a trick on her, and because my mother didn’t have any effective tools to deal with these type of things, she went into the emotion and exerted it unto her environment, which at that stage in time happened to be me

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to not take voice tonalities that I perceive to be harsh, criticizing, and attacking, personally, and I commit myself to breathe and stabilize myself HERE within and as my human physical body – within and as breath – within and as being HERE in the physical and not somewhere lost in my mind

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that taking it personally is a decision that I make – and thus I commit myself to support myself to not take these forms of tonalities with accompanying words personally – but realize that they are about the other person and not about me – they are not an attack towards me and thus not something that I require to defend or protect myself against – and thus I commit myself to take a breath and bring myself back to and as my human physical body – and stabilize myself HERE and continue to move myself – and continue to participate in my day and not make it anything more than a tonality

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that a hurt experience is nothing more or less but a hurt experience – it’s not something that I must protect and defend myself against – it’s not something that I must suppress – it’s in-fact merely energy coming up within me that is here for me to direct and move – and thus I commit myself to move and direct these energies through applying self-forgiveness, breathing and writing, and placing in its stead directive commitment statements for how I want to live from now on

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