Viktor Persson

Sharing My Journey To Life

Day 178: Unconscious Ideas of Life

Posted on | oktober 23, 2014 | No Comments

I am continuing my process of uncovering fear and anxiety in relation to the future – and in particular fears regarding money, career, education, and housing.

Yesterday I asked my partner she could support my in laying tarot cards on this point, she did that, and the following emerged: Life and responsibility is something that I’ve placed outside of myself and that I see as being very fragile things that unless I constantly tend to them, and make sure they function and are properly in place – they will fall apart. Thus, fear is something that has come up within me in relation to my future, because I feel unable to effectively handle life, and from my perspective, it’s more like an egg that I balance on spoon, while I am at the same time running forward, dodging, and zigzagging to avoid obstacles.

The delusion I’ve created is that I will through this running, and pushing myself forward in life, at one stage, or time be able to relax, and let go – to put that egg away and breathe out. The problem though, is that there exist no such stage or future time, and that regardless of how many projects, or methods I develop, to ensure my life, my financial success, my comfort, and lifestyle, that experience of life being like wobbly egg on a spoon will persist – because the core-point has not effectively been dealt with.

Thus, in this blog I am going to look at the core-point, which is as I currently see it located in a memory from my teens. I was around seventeen years old, and had some years left in school before I was supposed to wander into the world by myself. At this time I began to question what skills, and abilities I’d attained throughout my life, and I concluded that they were few and far in-between. This thought-construct came up and develop from within and as a experience and starting point of fear, and anxiety, and primarily the worry was related to how I would be able to deal with my future – what would I be able to do with my life when I knew absolutely nothing at all? Would I slowly but surely sink into non-existence as my life came to be more and more irrelevant? That was my origin fear – the fear of not being able to do anything with myself and my life and that it would just vanish – and that my life would come to nothing.

So, in this I decided to develop skills, and abilities, and it was specifically done from this starting point of fear – and I moved myself very diligently and with great perseverance – yet: It was all based upon fear – and here I am today – wherein this fear is still prevalent within me – because of this one point – where I decided that I can’t trust myself to walk into my life and deal with it – stabilize myself within it – and make something out of myself – but that I must develop and create some form of skill that I can define myself according to – in order for me to be sure that my life will not fall apart the moment I step out of my parents protective sphere and start caring for and directing my own life and living.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to state within myself, that because I have no skills, and no abilities, I will not be able to care for, and attend to, and direct my life, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and form the solution within me, that I must acquire, and build skills for myself so that I am able survive in this world, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide to develop, and create skills for myself in this world, from a starting point of fear, and self-distrust, in believing that I am not able to handle, and effectively direct my life, and living, and I am not able to stabilize myself without being certain that I have money, and I have the skills I require in order to attain the particular professions that I require to place myself in to survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the decision to develop skills from a starting point of fear, and self-distrust, in thinking to myself that I am not able to trust myself, and I am not able to rely upon myself in walking, and participating in this world, and that I require, and need someone else to guide me, and help, or I need, and require some form of skill or ability that I am able to rely upon and that can help me get through my life so that I am able to survive, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear, and anxiety, and give into these experiences, and design my life around these experiences, in believing that they are real, and that I am not able to trust myself, and I am not able to build a life for myself, because I am somehow, simply not equipped, and stable enough, to go out and create and build myself, and stand stable and certain in my life, unless I have these skills and abilities in my backpack

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead trust myself that I will be able to walk out into this world and direct myself – to develop the skills necessary for me to handle my life, to if I find myself in a situation where I don’t have developed skills or abilities, that I then direct myself to do so, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that I will be able to direct and handle, and take on, and walk the situations in my life that come up, and that I don’t need some form of additional experience, skill or ability to do that, and that I as such only need and require myself – my human physical body here – and that I direct myself HERE to deal with what emerge in my life on a moment per moment basis

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself in terms of being able to walk and handle and direct my life effectively, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that my effectiveness, and ability in terms of handling, and directing my life is dependent upon a ability, a skill, or a experience, upon money, upon my future, upon my past, instead realizing that I can trust myself to direct my life – that I don’t need and require to attain and have something more – or something better – or something more extravagant than myself – and that it’s about WHO I AM within and as each and every moment of breath – it’s about who I decide to be and how I decide to live and how I decide to approach my life and the problems that emerge that I require to direct – that is what will make the difference as to whether I will live a effective life or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself, and see, realize and understand that what I require in order to be effective in life is not skills, or abilities, but rather that I am present, aware, and HERE, ready and able to direct and move myself – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead of focusing upon creating skills and abilities for myself, focus upon me remaining present, aware and stable here – not reacting, not becoming emotional, and not becoming possessed with experiences, but rather remaining factual, and objective – and developing solutions and directing problems as they emerge – and realizing that this is what I require to perfect in order for me to walk through my life effectively – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the gift of self-trust – and expand myself within this self-trust in developing the ability take my decisions upon basis of common sense as I face challenges and difficult points and situations throughout my life and living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the decision within myself that I am not able to trust myself, and to believe that the only way I will be able to get myself through this lifetime is through acquiring certain abilities and skills, acquiring money, and a profession that is stable, so that I can be certain that I will survive, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in making that decision, I set myself up for a lifetime of fear, wherein I’ve placed myself in separation from life, and in separation from responsibility, instead of standing as those points as myself – and living as life – living as responsibility – and thus not anymore trying to fix, or repair, or direct my life to become safe, and secure, in order for me to make it through my life – but instead trusting myself that whatever might come and emerge in my life – I will find a solution – I will direct myself – and I will place myself in a position and in a stand that will be supportive for myself and those around me

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a state of self-distrust, in believing that I require a particular skill, or ability, or future play-out in order to make it, and be safe, and secure, and stable, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here to my human physical body – and I see, realize and understand that this is only a fix, and an attempt to repair an underlying issue which is that I don’t trust myself to walk through life and direct myself effectively, and find solutions to the issues and problems that I face – and thus I commit myself to develop myself as my direction and my self-trust in standing stable and effective HERE – finding solutions and move through difficult times and challenges through establishing routes and plans – and movements that will be supportive for me as well as those around me – thus trusting myself to deal with and direct life as it emerge and develop – instead of trusting that skills and abilities will do this for me

I commit myself to develop self-trust – through pushing myself to trust myself as I walk into the future, and into the unknown – that I will direct the challenges and problems – that I will find solutions – and that I will not give up upon myself – but instead push myself until I am satisfied that I’ve established effective ways of directing my life that is best for all

Day 177: Chasing Time Instead of Being In-Time

Posted on | oktober 21, 2014 | No Comments

I will in this blog continue to look at stress, and specifically how I tend to accept and allow thoughts, and backchat that have the nature of stress, in moments throughout my day, that accumulate to become a full-blown possession, and physical experience of stress.

What I’ve seen is that one particular thought pattern that I accept and allow has to do with my studies, and it’s in relation to placing a particular amount of time into my studies each day. During the initial semesters in the education that I am currently walking, there was a fast paced tempo, and it was many times necessary for me to sit down each day and study for several hours in order to keep up with the curriculum and learn that which was required to be learnt. Now, when I am walking the final semesters, and I’m soon done with the education, the pace have significantly dropped, and the tempo is not anymore has demanding – yet still – I hold unto a sense of stress and pressure within me, that unless I put down a certain amount of time each day into my studies, I am not going to be able to make it, and walk through my education sufficiently effective; thus there is a misalignment within me in regards to the actual time and energy I require to put down into my studies, and how much time and energy I believe I require to put down into my studies.

Though, I’ve actually found throughout my educational years, that it’s been a very cool point to put in more time and energy than what has been required to just to get through, because that has allowed me to expand, and to learn more, and to become more comfortable with the field of study that I’ve chosen to pursue. So, the problem is not really that I am putting in to much time, the problem is rather, that I’ve connected an experience of stress, and anxiety in relation to time, and created a belief that I absolutely need to put down a certain amount of hours each day – which leads me into a form of chase for more time – where I experience myself as if I am fighting against time, to make the most use of my time, and to get the most out of my time.

It’s fascinating; because the consequence of chasing after time, in order to get more out of time, is that I am not using my time effectively – why? Well, when I am chasing time, the chase, and the attempt to be effective with my time, that is my priority – and what takes the backseat in such a application is my actual usage and living with and within the time that I have available. So, instead of me being fully focused, clear, and stable HERE with what I am doing – fully into and immersed in the point of studying, reading, or learning – I am instead in the experience of stress as chasing time, and attempting to gain more time; which obviously then compromises my ability to learn, and use time effectively.

The interesting point that can be learned from this is that when I perceive that there isn’t enough time, and I am chasing time, what am I then doing? I am actually creating that very point, and manifesting such a shortage of time in my life, which leads me to compromise what is important, relevant, and required to be done in my life – thus – what I see that I must do, is that I must stop chasing time, and instead use the time that is here, and be present with every moment, and walk with time, and stop myself from chasing time – because chasing time is in-fact me making a statement that there is not enough time, and in that creating such a shortage of time – instead of standing within the point that time is HERE – and thus there is sufficient with time for me to deal with my responsibilities, walk my education, and expand myself in my fields of interest – because that time is HERE – it’s just that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to use it through being present, aware and stable.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase time, and exist within and as a starting point in my life, and living that there is a shortage of time, that there is a lack of time, and that I as such must always run after, and attempt and try to save time, and make more time for myself – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I exist within and as a starting point of chasing time, I am actually creating for myself a shortage and lack of time, because I am not accepting and allowing myself to practically USE the time that is here effectively and specifically

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself from within and as a starting point of thinking that there is not enough time for me to move myself through my life, and thus I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become stressed and worried, that there is not enough time for me to expand myself in relation to my education, and to deal with, and care for, and walk my commitments, and responsibilities, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I am limiting myself, and holding myself back, and creating a shortage of time for myself that is completely unnecessary, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that if I accept and allow myself to slow down, and move myself within and as breath, and walk each moment fully, that there is sufficient with time for me to move through my day, to care for and attend to my commitments and responsibilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when and as I make the statement within me, that there is not enough time, I am actually creating that in my life, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a lack of time, to create stress within me in believing that I don’t have time to care for my responsibilities, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that when and as I align myself within and as my human physical body, and align my starting point, so that I am here in every moment, capable, and present to take care of and direct the points that are here in the moment, then there will always be sufficient with time – because I am directing myself HERE looking at the moment and making the necessary decisions to make sure that my life moves according to what is best for all – thus I stand able and directive here instead of going into stress and worry and fearing loosing time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing time, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow thoughts in my mind, wherein I state that I don’t have much time today, how am I going to get done everything I’ve on my schedule today? And thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I accept and allow such a thought to be the starting point of my movement, then I will create that lack of time within me, and I will move throughout my day in stress, resulting in that I walk points haphazardly and without going in-depth and moving through as specifically as is required – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here to and as my human physical body, to slow down, and to walk moment by moment, breath by breath, and deal with the responsibilities and commitments that arise HERE – and not project myself into my future and trying to live my life in my mind instead of living here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself into believing that I can get things done through thinking about them, and planning them in my mind, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, the simple, and basic common sense that in order for me to be effective in my life, and walk each moment fully, I required to be fully present here, fully immersed in what I am doing, fully concentrated, fully aligned with and as my human physical body and the point that I am currently caring for or walking – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not immediately stop these projections, and instead move myself to walk through and direct the responsibilities that I have in my life – and get the things done – that I’ve decided upon to get done throughout my day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my projections, and believe that when I project myself into my day, and imagine myself doing and walking through my responsibilities and commitments, that I am then actually doing it, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the basic common sense, then when I am somewhere in the future, when I am somewhere out there in a projection doing something else but being here with and as my human physical body, directing myself to care for and attend to my responsibilities, then I am not effectively caring for and directing, and taking care of my life here – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and bring myself back here – and move myself on a breath per breath basis – to move myself from moment to moment – and trust myself that I will walk and direct this moment here fully and as is required – and that I don’t need these projections to come up in my mind and live my life for me – I can live and direct my life here instead

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust stress, projections, imaginations, and ideas of time, and how much or little time I have, more than myself here – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as being inefficient, and insufficient, in terms of being able to take care of, and direct my life here as breath, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate, and fear stepping out of stress, and stepping of the character of creating projections and future imaginations, in believing that I need and require those forms of mind-participation in order to survive and care for my life effectively, not seeing, realizing and understand that I am in-fact able to stand as, and walk, and live those points myself – and that I accordingly don’t require this energy coming up within me, saying to me, and showing me where I should go, and how I should live, and participate in order to make something out of myself

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into a state of being, or think to myself that I don’t have enough time, and that I am lacking time to take on, or walk a particular point, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that in saying within myself that I lack time, and within that start moving myself from a starting point of stress, and chasing time, I am actually creating that very lack, and that very ineffectiveness in terms of using my time here, and thus I see, realize and understand that in order to use time effectively, and have time to walk through my responsibilities, I require to be stable within myself, and look at time practically, not within stress, or anxiety, or worry – but simply seeing time here as what it is – as a certain amount of breaths that I throughout my day that I will be able to live and create within – and thus I commit myself to walk from moment to moment – to deal with my responsibilities and commitments in full presence and awareness of myself here – and to be fully immersed and give complete attention to what I am doing here – and thus USE my time effectively and specifically – and not squander my time through stressing, worrying and thinking about time – instead of living in time here

I commit myself to be in time – through standing equal with my breath – standing equal with the movement of time as the physical here – and thus I commit myself to slow down and walk breath by breath – and moment by moment – to assess my world and my life according to what is required to be done – and direct my life in this moment HERE – and not direct myself from a starting point of lack of time – and chasing time – in an attempt to attain more time

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