Viktor Persson

Sharing My Journey To Life

Day 204: What is a Weakness?

Posted on | januari 29, 2015 | No Comments

Some days ago my partner became sick, and when this happened an interesting experience emerged within me, specifically in regards to the point of being sick – and that was irritation and anger.

So, the question then is why would I become irritated and angry when someone close to me is sick? And here the answer lies within what sickness represents to me – because being sick to me is a sign of weakness – being physically incapable of effectively caring for one’s life and responsibilities – that is something that I define to be a weakness.

The word to investigate is thus weakness – and how come that I see this word as some form of repulsive disease that must be suppressed and held back at every instance. Firstly, what weakness implies to me at the moment is basically not being able to stand solid and grounded and walk into the current world system, and not be able to push and will yourself forward even though the labor in the world system is challenging and demanding – weakness at the moment is thus a lack of survival skills or ability to survive.

What I see in this is that I’ve mostly related weakness to be in relation to the physical characteristics of human being, either the human being is strong, as in being able to physically handle many responsibilities, tasks, and jobs, or the being is weak as in not being able to handle many responsibilities, tasks and jobs. I’ve seldom looked at weakness as being a weakness of character – because it’s obvious that weaknesses can exists in several areas of one’s life – it can be a weakness that one accept and allow a certain emotional experience to possess oneself easily – or it can be a weakness that one doesn’t have the skill of relaxing and caring for the physical body – there is really a multitude of weaknesses.

But, the one of definition of weaknesses that stands out in my mind is not being able to survive, not being able to find food and nutrition, and build my life in such a way that I feel secure, and safe, and as I’ve got everything I need in order to get through. So, the reason why I get angry at my partner when she’s sick, would be because she is representing a weaknesses in my worldly survival skills, and that would then trigger reactions, fears and anxieties, as well as anger and irritation – which would then function as a form of alarm system in me that will initiate action, and make sure that I act to put my partner backing into an effective working condition where she’s not sick anymore – but ready to survive and make as money as is required. Though the problem here is that I act out in irritation anger, blaming my partner of not having optimal survival skills – and in that believing that through being angry, and irritated, this will somehow cause my partner to ‘get her shit together’, become healthy, and effective again.

I realize that this definition and understanding of weakness is limited, because actually being constantly possessed in a state of pushing myself to survive, not seeing and recognizing the rest of life that is here, that is also a weakness – and not being able to support and assist another in stability when they are sick – that’s also a weakness – so, it’s obvious that a weakness is not only in relation to money and survival but that it’s a word with several applications – and the one thing to remember is not to fear weaknesses, but rather recognize them, and then commit to walking a process of self-correction – or support – where one take the weakness and then turn it into a strength.

And for example, with my partner, this process of working with this weakness as the sickness, could be to support my partner with what she needs to curate, and take care of the responsibilities of the household, cook food and clean – so that my partner can relax and physically change her state of weakness into a state of strength through allowing the body to recuperate and refresh. Thus, not reacting to the fact that my partner is currently in a state of weakness – but rather assisting and supporting my partner to turn that weakness into a strength – and understanding that a weakness is nothing personal – it’s what it is and thus like a mechanic that make reparations on a car – I’m able to walk the same process with myself and my environment.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and anxiety when my partner becomes sick, and judge this sickness as a weakness in survival skills, and think that this point is compromising my position in this world – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to handle this weakness through becoming angry, frustrated and irritated, and judging my partner for becoming sick – and thinking that my partner should immediately recuperate and come back to normal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and judge the state of physically ill and sick – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize that I hold a fear of becoming ill and physically sick, because I fear that I would in that state of being not be able to care for myself or my life, and that I would not be able to survive effectively – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to survive in this world, and effectively care for myself, and my future, and that this ability of mine will also be compromised if my partner gets sick

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my partner is going to get sick, in fear that I will then not be able to secure my survival in this world as effectively as I hoped I would – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of fear, wherein I fear that me or my partner will become subject to any sickness, or physical weakness, in fearing that this will effect our lives negatively, and that we’ll have a difficulty in surviving

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to survive, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when my partner get’s sick, to have my mind immediately go to money, and how much this sickness will affect the finances, and how much money we’re going to have till next month – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fearing not surviving, and fearing not having money are effective ways to deal with this problem, and that I will be able to get my partner to step up through being annoyed and irritated with her – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that these reactions in no way assist and support – and that they do not change or alter the situation that is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my partner when she gets sick, and to judge my partner for being physically weak, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see weaknesses as something bad, and as a personal thing, that implies that the being is a bad being – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed in this state of judgment, wherein I’m thinking to myself that this other person shouldn’t be weak, and shouldn’t be sick – because they apparently should be strong, and capable of dealing with these sorts of things, and continue to move themselves throughout their life, and not be affected by a sickness of this kind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become fearful of physical weaknesses, and believe that the moment I’m not able to perform fully in the monetary system in terms of earning money, and making a living – that this will be the end of me and my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fear and any notion of a play-out that involves sickness and physical weaknesses – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to banish any and all such forms of weaknesses from my life through when they arise – become angry at them – try to ignore them – and push them away

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist physical weakness, and when it emerge and come through in my world, to attempt and try to fight it off, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work with the weakness, to not find ways and solutions that will bring the point to a conclusion that is best for all – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in irritation, and frustration towards these types of weaknesses instead of focusing on a solution, and how I’m able to assist and support in order to alleviate and construct a way out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to physically stable and healthy, and fear that I won’t be able to make a living for myself in this world, because I don’t have the physical strength to create my life and build myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing power, loosing control and direction of my life, and having nothing that I’m able to do about it – and that it just happens automatically and without me being able to step in and say STOP HERE – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of constant fear, and worry that suddenly, and without warning, I’m going to loose control and direction of my life, and then not able to push into the direction that I’ve and desired that I would

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in life as someone that struggles and fights against the difficulties and hardships of life, and that it’s my role in this world to make sure that I survive even though my world seems to be all against me, and seems to be working towards me at all times, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, and define life as a struggle, where I must constantly fight to remain sharp, and on-top – and make sure that I am ready and able to deal with any and all problems, and fight them with teeth and nails – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I accept and allow this to be my starting point – then this is also the experience of myself that I am going to create in my life

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am reacting in irritation and frustration because someone close to me, or myself, becomes sick or physically weak, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this anger and irritation in-fact comes from a fear of loosing control over my financial reality – and in that my future, and my life in this world – and thus have nothing to do with the sickness in itself; and as such I commit myself to assist and support myself or the other person in my life to become physically strong – to assist and support them through caring for them, and alleviating their physical world – through taking responsibilities for chores and other points that might slow down their process of recuperation

When and as I see that I am reacting in anger towards sickness, or another type of physical weakness, as not being able to effectively handle and direct one’s world – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this way of dealing with the situation doesn’t work – that in order to find solutions I must be stable and see what is here without in anyway taking it personally or making it an emotional experience of any kind – and thus I commit myself to look at what I can do to support myself or another in transcending and moving through the physical weakness – and how I can be of a solid support for myself or another in walking through this point of being sick and getting out of it effectively and without a healthy human physical body

Day 203: Interacting as Equals

Posted on | januari 21, 2015 | No Comments

Today I’ve spent my time at the library and I’d like to discuss a point that opened up in this environment.

So, in this place I meet many half-acquaintances – which are people that I’ve walked with in a course or two here at the university, but that I’ve not developed any closer relationship with. Now, what happens as I walk about in the library is that I will meet one of these people – and the moment this happens I will experience a slight but distinct surge of anxiety coming up in my solar plexus.

What I’ve found, as I’ve observed this point more closely, is that the fear is in relation to how I should behave with that particular person – should I say hi? Should I wave at them? There is as such an insecurity existing within me as to what type of relationship I have with the other persons, and a fear of misreading the relationship and then doing the so-called wrong thing. What is prominent here is thus the fear of how another is going to perceive me, what another is going to think of me, and how I’m going to be placed and defined in the life of another.

Thus, what is even more interesting is that certain individuals will trigger an even greater experience me, these will be the individuals that I in some way experience and see as being superior and more valuable than what I am. For example today, one of my former classmates appeared before me – and in that moment this grappling fear emerged, as I was paranoid about whether I should look up and say hello, or whether I should just continue to focus on what it was that I was doing – and obviously here – the main concern in that moment was what HE would think or experience towards me.

The problem here is as such not that I don’t interact with others sufficiently, say hello, or recognize another, the problem is the starting point – the WHY and HOW – because even though I might say hello to this individual, if it’s done from a starting point of fear it’s still not self-honest, there is still no actual expression coming through – and thus the first point to handle and walk through must be to stop the fears and stabilize myself – and also to make sure that I am stable regardless of how I perceive that another experience themselves – because that must not influence and effect my expression – I must stand as that point of direction that I decide who I am in every moment of breath regardless.

In standing in such a position – the point won’t anymore be whether I should or shouldn’t say hello to someone – it will instead be – WHO AM I HERE? What is my point of self-honesty in this moment of breath? Do I want to say hello to this person? Would it be best for all to recognize and engage in a relationship with this person? Would this moment be supportive for me as well as the other? In that changing the starting point from fear – to practical self-honest assessment in the moment – looking at what is practical and effective – and not upon what I “should do” on the basis of comparing contrasting fears and weighing which one of the actions I fearsthe least – because that is simply not common sense at all.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as fear and anxiety when I meet people that I don’t know where I have them – in terms of reading them and seeing whether they consider me as a friend or not – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a pressure and a fear of acting ‘wrong’ around them – of behaving ‘badly’ around them – of not making the right decisions, saying the right things, and being generally likable around them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as anxiety and fear of how others are going to perceive me and think of me if I say hello, or wave at them, and they don’t see me as a close relative inside their mind – and rather think that I am strange and erratic in my behavior – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be accepted by others and have my behavior be considered normal and sane – and that I am seen by others as being exactly as I should

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with others and think that they are much more socially acceptable and representable in comparison to me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself as being inferior and less than others and that I must read them and have them give me signs of where I stand in relation to them – and what is an acceptable way of behaving and what is an unacceptable way of behaving – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach situations from within and as the context of fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach other people from within and as a starting point of self-diminishment – and seeing them as someone that is giving me something that I must have in order to continue my existence – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not approach social situations and people from a starting point of equality – in realizing that I have an equal worth and value and that regardless of how another perceive me – my value remains the same – stable here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach social situations from within and as a starting point that there is something for me to loose – that I am able to loose my face and my position – that I am able to loose my value unless I interact with these other people as good as possible – and create the best impression of myself that I am able to give – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what I believe that others see in me – and think that this is my only value – how others see me – what others think of me – and that I must protect and defend this value at all costs – and that it will be the absolutely greatest loss for me if I was to lose that point of support in others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if I approach others and social interactions from within and as a starting point of inferiority – then I will not be able to create a real and substantial relationship with the other person – and rather the relationship will be based upon – and limited within and as experiences of fear – and that I will shape and form myself in an attempt to satisfy and be likable to another – instead of letting my real and genuine expression as who I am come through – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let the real me come through and be the starting point of me initiating and creating relationships with others – that I stand stable here with myself – stable in breathe and physical movement – and that I approach others from this starting point of equality

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a state of anxiety, and that I am approaching another from this fear of not being accepted, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this fear limits me and how I am and will determine the entire interaction – and that I won’t express myself genuinely when approaching others from a desire to be accepted and get something out of it – and thus I commit myself to practice approaching others from a starting point of equality – and practically physically apply this – through when making a decision to approach another – to stabilize myself here – find my point of silence – and then make a decision as to whether to approach another or not – and remain stable in that movement of myself walking up to another and speaking with them – standing in that point of me being an equal in value

When and as I see that I am going into fear when faced with people, in fearing that they are disliking me, or forming some judgment of me, because they don’t see and consider me as sufficiently, and enough likable – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that the main relationship for me to care for and nourish is that with myself – and that thus the point to really be aware of is to make sure that I don’t accept and allow any self-hatred within me – and fearing what others think of me and being possessed and controlled by that fear is self-hatred and makes it impossible to create any relationship; thus I commit myself to make sure that I am a friend and companion of myself – that I support and nourish myself and my relationship with myself – and thus that I don’t look for this in others – but that I give it to myself – and that I do this through stopping thoughts of believing that I require to venture out there in order to get myself back

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