Posted on | augusti 31, 2014 | No Comments
A continuous thought pattern and experience, that I’ve written about before, but not yet walked to completion, is that of anxiety, and fear of the future – and I see that this particular point is of such magnitude, that it actually clouds me from seeing in which direction I require to go, and move myself, and how it would be beneficial for me to walk in the world system, as well as in my personal life.
What I see about this fear is that it comes up within me in the shape and form of dreams and fantasies, it begins either with a initial excitement, or with a slight brush of anxiety, and this is related to the future, and the dream and fantasy contain a preferable play-out wherein I will achieve something, get into a particular position, or acquire some form of possession that will make me feel comfortable in life, or increase me stature in the system.
An example would be that I’ve recently had dreams and fantasies come up in my mind in regards to education, wherein I’ve pondered whether I should walk two educations at the same time, or but one, and I’ve in this dreaming considered how much more secure I would be in the world system if I was in a position of having two educations, and also become excited in terms of seeing myself in the future with much knowledge, and understanding of how a particular point out there functions.
Thus, what I am able to see is that my dreaming, and fantasizing about the future has two dimensions: it has a fear dimension, wherein I fear for my survival, and I use dreams, and fantasies to create solutions for that fear, to calm myself, and make me feel more confident about myself – the other dimension is that of being excited, which indicates that there is a word I am able to live, and bring back to myself here – and what I see is that the word my dreams, and fantasies represent is that of self-expansion – and thus I am able to bring that word back to myself HERE, and practice applying and living it as a daily living application.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fantasies and emotions to build up, and support my fear patterns, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my future, and to fear for my survival, and to fear that I won’t be able to effectively secure for myself a position wherein I am able to gain money, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a state of panic, and anxiety within me, wherein I use dreams, and fantasies to create alternate reality’s and dimensions in my mind, to create some form of feeling of safety in me, and that I am in control, and that I know what I am doing
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear, and anxiety that I am going to loose control, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within, and as a fear of not being able to predict my future, and plan my future exactly, and be certain and sure about what is going to happen in the future in terms of money, survival, and my relationships, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a fear of survival, instead of developing self-trust, and pushing myself to walk in breath, and to stand in the system and direct myself to my fullest potential according to what is here in this moment, and according to how I am able to move myself in order to create benefit and support for myself on a physical basis
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and anxiety towards being alone in the world system without an education, without a skill that others want to have, without having access to relationships that make me feel comfortable, secure, and stabilized in my world and reality, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to into and as a survival fear of the future, wherein I perceive, and define myself as being insufficient, and not effectively enough equipped to take on and walk the world system, and walk myself into a position of economic and physical stability and support, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into fear, anxiety, worry and concern, instead of stabilizing myself here, establishing a plan for myself, and then directing myself according to this plan, and not accept and allow doubt, fear, worry and concern to creep in
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become fearful of my future, fearing that I won’t be able to direct myself in the competition that exists in the world system in regards to getting money, employment and creating a future for oneself, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself, and exist within and as a starting point of constantly trying to find ways to increase my value, and worth on the job market, in fear that unless I do that, I won’t be able to stand the competition, and I won’t be able to create anything of worth, and value with my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to perceive and define myself as being inferior, and less than the system, and less than employment, and less than money, and think that the only way I am able to handle this, and walk it all through, is through me going into fear, and subjugating myself, and making myself a eager slave
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea of myself that I am not a good employee, and that I have difficulty to survive and move myself in the system, and that I am overall, not very effective when it comes to social relations, or establishing networks, or getting things done, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what is going to happen with me, and how I am going to deal with, and walk through this world, when I am finished with my education, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself, and think that I am not able to take care of myself, and I am not able to take care of my own life, and I am not able to focus, and apply myself, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my reliance, and my force of movement in the hands of fear, wherein I want and desire fear to move me, and I want and desire anxiety to move, to take care of me, and put me in a position in which I feel safe and secure in this world
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be intertwined and constantly busy within and as a anxiety, stress and fear towards the future, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to constantly exist in a state of ‘what-if?’ – wherein I exist in a fear of what might happen, and how things might go, and a fear that unless I each moment push myself to survive, and control things, that my life is going to go down the drain, and that there is going to be nothing I can do about it, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a fear, and anxiety of becoming but slave labor in this world, and loosing my position of being comfortable, and having a easy, and stable life, and instead facing the darkness and the unpredictability that exists within this world for those that have no access to money
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming overwhelmed with the system, to fear becoming engulfed, eaten and devoured by the system, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a mode of protection, wherein I constantly attempt and try to make sure that I have control, in fear that unless I walk this control point, that the system is then going to take control of me and lead me astray, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in control, instead of accepting and allowing myself to trust myself, and see, realize and understand that I am actually able to walk into the system, to apply myself in the system, yet this doesn’t have to affect me in anyway what-so-ever – and I can actually utilize the process of walking in the system to support myself to open up points, and to stabilize, and ground myself even further in my self-change
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and go into a constant state of anxiety and worry, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it, and define it as being normal for me to worry, and think that it’s a natural behavior, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question this anxiety, and question this worrying, and see, realize and understand that I am able to do something about this state of anxiety and worrying, that I don’t require to live, and move myself and exist in this state of energy, but that I am instead able to bring myself back here to and as my human physical body, and motivate myself on a physical basis, wherein I am not moved by and through energy, but moved within and as my own decision for me to move and direct myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and fear that there isn’t enough time for me, and that I am not using the time that I have sufficiently effective for me to have an impact in my own life, and for me to complete, and get done my responsibilities, and commitments, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of fear of loosing time, and a worry, and anxiety in relation to loosing time, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I exist within and as a fear of loosing time, and a fear of not getting things done, and fear of not having sufficient with time, then this is what I am creating for myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself back into and as my human physical, back to my breath, and instead of existing in a fear of loosing time, live and participate and move myself here equal with time, and walk with breath, and create myself with breath, and not be out of breath all the time
When and as I see that I am moving, and applying myself in my life, from a starting point of fearing to loose time, and feeling that I have to little time, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that this point of fear of loosing time in-fact makes me loose time, and that as such, the solution is to live HERE with and as time, and not in fear of loosing time, or feeling that I have to little time; thus – I commit myself to breath and walk with time, with breath, with my body here, and not project myself into my mind
When and as I see that I am going into a state of looking at my future from a starting point of fear, and anxiety, wherein I am planning, and trying to get somewhere, to secure my position in the system, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am here, and that my potential to direct and live myself is HERE and not out there in the future, and thus I commit myself to live, direct and move myself HERE – to work with what is HERE in my life and stop believing that my life is out there in the future – I am here
Posted on | augusti 27, 2014 | No Comments
For the last week I’ve been busying myself with my car, taking care of rust that have begun developing, sanding, and repainting, so that the rust won’t continue eating away at the metal. In order to make the reparations simpler, I placed my car at a parking lot that wasn’t my own, and I assumed that somebody didn’t own this particular parking lot, because there were no cars around.
This morning as I walked down to continue the reparations, I found my car vandalized. One viper had been ripped off and the other bent, and one of the side rear-view mirrors had been torn off. My immediate reaction was that of anger, and indignation, I could feel that adrenaline flow through my body, as I continuously asked myself how somebody could be so irresponsible, and careless as to make a conscious decision to destroy parts of my car.
After this initial reaction, I looked more deeply at the point, and found some fascinating dimensions, that I realized had caused this particular play-out. Firstly, I became relatively certain that someone who owned one of the parking lots that I had claimed was responsible the destruction, and secondly, I realized that in my decision to place my car at this particular spot, I’d made some careless assumptions.
I saw that when I placed my car at this, seemingly, abandoned parking lot, I’d only considered my own self-interest, which was to make the reparation of the car more simple, and I’d quite arrogantly, and hastily looked at the point as to whether someone else might be the owner of one of the other lots. I simply assumed, that because no car was there at the time when I was there, then the lots probably didn’t have an owner, instead of realizing that the lots might be owned by someone that begin their work early mornings, and come home late at the night, or that the owner was on a vacation and thus unable to claim their lot as normal. Obviously, my initial assumption as ineffective, and it resulted in consequences for me, as well as another – because due to my initial faulty judgment, someone had been without his or hers parking lot, and on top of this, my car had sustained some heavy damages.
So, WHY did I make an initial faulty assessment of the situation?
Actually, I saw that I wasn’t innocent in my assessment of the situation – I made the assumption because it was easy, and comfortable – as it would’ve taken more effort for me to make certain that the parking lots really were unused, which would’ve entailed me calling the company that are responsible for the lots, and checking whether there is a user for the parking lot I planned annexing for a moment.
Thus, what am I able to learn from this? Obviously, to never make assumptions, but to make sure that I do have all the information relevant in order to make a informed decision, and also, realizing that whenever I tamper with points that influence the world of another, that this can have unpredictable, and harmful consequences, because the mind as it exists in this day and age is not stable, and clearly, there are people in this world who are in such a state of possession of anger, frustration, revenge, and other harmful emotions, that their actions are dangerous – thus, I realize that I must be careful and make sure that I am much more specific with how my actions influence the lives of others, and that when I make a decision, that I am clear on the consequences that this might have, and that I know what I am deciding upon, so that it’s not merely an assumption.
This point can be extended into other points in my world as well, for example, when deciding to eat food, to make sure that I am not arrogant in eating something which date of last use have lapsed, or when making decisions in regards to my future, or life in general, to make sure that I am informed, and that I don’t assume that things will go the way I hope, but that I make sure that I know what I am dealing with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that my actions will not be harmful to others, and assume that things will work out, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume instead of considering all dimensions of a decision, all possible contingencies, all possible outflows, and in this push myself to make an informed decision, and make a decision that I am sure as to how it will flow out in my physical reality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become upset, and blame another human being for what happened to my car, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am equally responsible for the event, and that I could’ve prevented the point from occurring, had I been more aware, more attentive, and consider my decisions more deeply, and thoughtfully, instead of going with the first thing that comes up in my mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that I know, and that I have control of a situation, and make the decision that is the most comfortable for me, instead of pushing myself, when and as I make decisions, to look at all possible outflows, and all contingencies that might manifest, and flow from my decision, and my movement, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of superiority, and feeling better, and more than others, and think that I am control, and I know what is happening, and I know how this moment is going to flow, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, that I really don’t, and that I am making an assumption, and that this might have dire consequences for me as well as others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for my car being vandalized, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this point was a point that I was directly involved in creating, and that I could’ve prevented, if I’d accepted and allowed myself to look at the moment, and the decision unconditionally, and without trying to protect my self-interest and have my way, and have things go as I want them to go and flow, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I have only myself to blame, and that sure, another might be possessed within his, or hers mind, yet I was the point that triggered this possession, which I did through not being specific, considerate, and present in my decisions, and in my movement in my world and reality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into blame, and a self-defense mechanism, of wanting to prosecute, and bring the perpetrator before justice, and have my right, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility in realizing that I create the outflow of this moment, that I am responsible, and that this situation and outflow shows me an important point about myself that I’ve not yet corrected, or worked with sufficiently, which is to be considerate, thoughtful, and open to looking at a decision from a multidimensional perspective, when and as I make decisions
I commit myself to when and as I make decisions, and move myself in my world, to consider my actions, my decisions, and my movement from a multidimensional point, and ask myself, what consequences will this create for others, and what will, or might this point lead to in the life of another, and how I am able to make decisions that will prevent unwanted outcomes and results
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that its immature to blame another for the consequences that occur in my life, because when I look at it, and I am completely self-honest, I see that I am the cause, I am the creator, and that as such, these consequences would’ve not happened unless I made them happen, and that I could’ve prevented this point through playing out my decision in my mind, with the information I had access to, and realized that this was a potential outflow
I commit myself to not make decision in a haste, or without consideration, because I realize that when I do, I tend to assume, and when I assume, I care consequences for myself, and an outflow that will not be effective – and as such I commit myself to stop assuming and instead push myself to gather all the relevant information, and make a decision that takes all possible outcomes and contingencies into consideration, and from this decide upon a route that is best for all
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the mindset of another, and to blame another for not taking responsibility for their mind, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself in realizing that in almost 100% of the cases where people have possessions around me, or towards me, that I’m part of the problem, and that I have played my part in creating that particular point of conflict
I thus commit myself to be considerate, careful, and specific in my dealings with other people in my world, and push myself to take into account how I am affecting others, and realizing that this might have consequences not only or me, but for the other person as well – thus I commit myself to stop blaming and I instead stand as the change that is required in order to prevent situations like the one I’ve walked through from ever occurring – the solution being to make sure that I consider others when I make decisions and that I stop making assumptions and favoring my self-interesting in a state of arrogance and belief that I am in control